Changing Our World To Fit Theirs
The following post is from my friend Laura Marcus Nolan. Laura has a grown son with autism named Trevor. She recently made the difficult decision to move Trevor to a home that best meets his needs as a young adult. As a mom, I know how difficult it is when our children move out of the home. It is a very bittersweet time. A mom who has a child with unique abilities has many of the same feelings, in addition to uncertainty about the special challenges her child will face.
As a teacher, I can relate to Laura’s thoughts of how she sometimes tries to create Trevor’s world to the way she thinks it should be. We as teachers (and people in general) often try to mold individuals to fit our idea of what is best, instead of letting them lead the way in showing us their needs and desires. My daughter Heather and I described this in a song we co-wrote several years ago. A line in the song, “Bridging Our Worlds” states, “It’s hard to change your world to fit mine. Maybe you could change your world – world’s design.” In other words, maybe we should modify our world to accommodate others instead of always expecting them to change. In fact, for many individuals with autism, it is impossible to change. They would have to change their very DNA.
Laura’s post reminded me to be a better listener and not be too hasty to jump in with solutions. Her post is below. Thank you so much for sharing, Laura!
“I made a conscious effort to change my way of thinking. I sat here in the dark listening to / watching Trevor sleeping and began to realize how much I try to create and mold his world to the way I think it should be.
Tomorrow Trev is moving to a place that we believe is a truly unique and safe environment for him. A home he can be himself in, yet still enjoy activities, and being around others.
Tonight is his last night to sleep on the grey couch ... he loves the grey couch ... tonight I wonder to myself, why did I make him get up and sleep in his bed so many nights if he was comfortable on the grey couch? Who am I to continue to decide what’s best or most comfortable for him? I’ve made the majority of his decisions in his life time. I need to remind myself that even tho he has autism ... he is 27 years old. Anyone that knows him would agree that he knows how to make himself comfortable! If he decides he is and says “yes grey couch, no bedroom” ... yet I make him move to his bed because I think, he needs to sleep in his comfy bed, who is getting what they want and need? He’s told me what he wants, but I don’t think it’s what he needs, so I’m the Mom, I must be right? I need to change this thinking so that I can feel confident he can make choices on a daily basis and be successful. If he wants to wear socks with sandals and I try to get him to change, ... who am I? the fashion police? If he’s comfortable he’s happy.
Having autism is like living on an IV of truth serum ... there are no white lies, there is no political correctness, and fashion is strictly about comfort.
When we found this home, we were against it before we saw it, but we felt we needed to visit so we could say we looked and give reasons why it wouldn’t work. #1 it was 2.5 hours away. But, shortly after walking in, I knew deep down that this place would best fulfill his needs, be able to handle his wants and be a place he could continue to build and sustain relationships in. This was IT. Maybe the drive didn’t fit my needs, but the bottom line is that isn’t what’s important.
So, tomorrow adds another chapter to this story we call life. Tomorrow we move his stuff and Friday Trevor can show us just how independent he is. Knowing that every choice he makes may not always be the best one, I must be proud of him for making it. Just because it wouldn’t have been mine, doesn’t mean it’s not a good one.
Ok friends ... please send some love and positive energy to Trevor, and also a little to me. I may need it more than he does ... and I truly hope that is the case. If Trevor is happy, Mom will be happy.
xoxo love you all and thanks for following along with us in the journey.”